


Required Reading

by AnneScriblerian



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-28
Updated: 2013-02-28
Packaged: 2017-12-03 21:58:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/703067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnneScriblerian/pseuds/AnneScriblerian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ron Weasley knows a lot about some things--including porn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Required Reading

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2011  
>  **Disclaimer:** None of these characters belong to me. I did, however, make up the names of the porn magazines.  
>  **Author's Notes:** Special thanks to my beloved beta, Celta_Diabolica.

Ron Weasley's nails were cutting into his palms. The stinging sensation was distracting him from his desperate desire to punch Draco Malfoy in the face. Hermione had gotten away with doing so, but then she was a girl, wasn't she? The thought of Hermione being a girl distracted him so successfully that Harry had to elbow him in the ribs to bring his attention back to the argument that was in progress.

"We'd never do something so ridiculous, right, Ron?" Harry's assertion was accompanied by another sharp jab to the midsection, which jolted Ron into action. 

Ron scowled and rubbed his side as he backed Harry up, "Yeah, Malfoy. There's no way you and your _girlfriend_ can beat Harry and..."

Pansy interjected, "…and his girlfriend?"

Draco sniggered, and Harry actually blushed. The desire to smash the Ferret's face in was back, only now he couldn't decide whether to do that or smack Pansy right on her pug nose.

He was still trying to make up his mind which Slytherin to clobber first when they swept out of the classroom, leaving Harry to glare at a bewildered Ron.

Ron had no idea what had just happened. He protested, "What? What did I say?" 

Harry shook his head. He said, "You just bet that we could get our professors off better than Draco and Pansy could."

Ron smirked and said, "Of course we can... I said WHAT!?!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As usual, Hermione had absolutely no sympathy for them. Ron ignored her ranting and focused on the glint that always appeared in her eyes when she shouted. Harry was attempting to reason with her, but Ron knew where that would go. Absolutely nowhere. Better just to let the words wash over you like water. Wave after wave of energetic, excited, heaving...

And she stormed out.

"What did you say to her?" Ron was a bit sorry to be deprived the sight of Hermione in full cry, but he was more interested in what Harry could possibly have done to drive her away. Usually that was Ron's specialty

"Weren't you listening?" Harry was so upset that he clearly had forgotten to whom he was speaking. 

Ron snorted, and Harry rolled his eyes.

"Ron! This is serious!"

Harry sounded like Hermione--the bad part of Hermione.

Ron comforted him, "Listen, mate. It's going to be fine. We can do this. All we have to do is find their porn."

Harry's mouth was open, but no sound came out.

"Porn! You know, pornography. We just need to find out what they fancy. Then we give it to them."

"We... _give_ it to them?" Harry had turned white.

"Well, _we_ don't give it to them personally. We’ll use their porn to figure out what they want, then we’ll figure a way to give it to them..."

As Ron continued to outline his plan, he didn't notice the look on Harry's face. It was a strange mix of embarrassment, relief, and disappointment.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ron wasn't ashamed to admit--strictly to himself, of course--that generally he didn't apply himself. He slid by in his classes, he didn't practice Quidditch as much as he should, and he had yet to even consider how to get Hermione to see him as more than a punching bag. Well, as more than a figurative punching bag. Honestly, her right hook was one of the most attractive things about her.

But he was very good at certain things. He was a good friend. He was a good older brother. He was good at escaping from Fred and George. And he was good at finding porn. Access to a treasure trove of porn--if you could find it--was one of the few perks of being the youngest boy of six.

It took a bit of effort to convince Harry, but soon they had a plan to uncover the secret desires of their professors. Ron just hoped that the Ferret and the Pug didn't have a better plan.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dobby was immensely helpful during the next few days. Harry’s affinity for owls was also useful, as it made it easy to intercept their professors’ mail. Ron felt a bit smug about his researching skills. Hermione wasn’t the only one who could ferret out important information. The moment that phrase entered his mind, he shuddered at the thought of the Ferret. There was no way he was going to lose to that wanker.

He dragged Harry off to an unused classroom in the dungeons to analyze their findings. Even Hermione wouldn’t think to look for them down there. Harry seemed nervous, but Ron put that down to his unfamiliarity with pornography. Harry was terribly backwards in some things, having been raised by those horrible Muggles and all. Ron gave Harry a bracing punch in the arm as they sat down and spread their ill-gotten goods before them.

It was actually quite interesting to see what their professors fancied. 

Professor Flitwick had a penchant for larger women. The birds in Bouncy Castles were built more like Millicent Bulstrode than Pansy Parkinson. Though the Pug did have those ample breasts… Ron shook his head and moved on to Professor Trelawney. The men in Crystal Balls were very girly. In fact, they quite resembled the Ferret. 

Ron couldn’t help but sound a bit relieved when he told Harry, “It looks like we’ll have to leave those two to the Slytherins. We neither of us have tits, and we’re not poncy gits like Malfoy.”

Harry stuttered a bit as he replied, “B..but that only leaves Snape…”

Ron’s eyes narrowed. He generally didn’t worry too much about what was going on in his friends’ heads. He already knew what Hermione was thinking, and Harry deserved a bit of privacy, didn’t he? But, contrary to Hermione’s beliefs, Ron could fathom other peoples’ thoughts quite well, thank you. How else could he have survived having so many brothers?

Harry’s immediate focus on Snape clinched one of Ron’s plans. But he would have to handle that carefully. He drew Harry’s attention to their other marks.

Professor McGonagall took In Heat, the animagus-oriented mag. Harry flat out refused to consider their Head of House as a target. Ron couldn’t help but agree. Some things just didn’t bear thinking about. 

When they came to Hagrid’s choice--XXXXX: Wizard Killers--Harry said, “I don’t reckon this is porn. Maybe Hagrid doesn’t go for that kind of thing.”

Ron gave Harry a disgusted look and said, “Look at the title, mate. It’s got _five_ Xs in it.”

Harry looked confused and said, “Well, that’s the official method for identifying dangerous creatures, innit?”

Ron rolled his eyes and said, “No worries. I’ll take care of that one. I have some ideas about what might be dangerous enough for good old Hagrid.”

Harry clearly wanted to ask more questions, but when Ron shook his head slightly, he moved on and said, “Looks like Snape doesn’t take any porn, either. No surprise there. Greasy git is probably asexual.”

Even though Harry was his best friend and he would do anything for the bloke, Ron was getting a bit tired of his ridiculous naivete. Did he _never_ think about sex? Ron was even more convinced that his plan for Harry was not only solid, but was absolutely necessary.

“Riiight…” Ron said, as he pushed Snape’s copy of Quidditch Weekly to the side.

“I don’t know, mate,” Harry whinged. “I think we’re done for. I can’t think of _anything_ for any of these professors. And the rest don’t take any periodicals at all!”

Ron clapped his friend on the shoulder and said, “Why don’t you let me handle this one.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next few weeks were very exciting. The Gryffindor Common Room had never seen so much gossip. Well, not since last term anyway.

Pansy Parkinson received a month-long detention from Professor McGonagell. Details were scarce, but the most popular rumor was that she had flashed Professor Flitwick. There was much conjecture about whether McGonagell actually was punishing Parkinson or Flitwick.

Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil swore that they saw Draco Malfoy stumbling down the staircase to the Divination classroom with his hair mussed. That much was believable, but when they added the detail that his face was smeared with coral lipstick their story was dismissed as being an example of their usual penchant for exaggeration. Their housemates were surprised that Harry and Ron were so curious about the girls’ story. Hermione's disapproval was just as expected, so no one even noticed it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Harry was upset. Ron, however, felt optimistic. While Harry raved and paced about their dormitory, Ron reclined on his bed and thought through his strategies.

When Harry finally slumped down onto his bed, Ron sat up on his.

"Right, so we have everything we need," he announced.

Harry shook his head and groaned. Then he protested, "We have _nothing_. Parkinson either knew that Flitwick took Bouncy Castles or she just got lucky. I don’t know whether or not Draco has "Crystal Balls," but maybe being girly was good enough. As for the others, what have we learned from their so-called porn? In Heat is of no use us; and Hagrid may have be hot for Wizard Killers, but we can hardly get ahold of a dragon for him to shag; and Snape is right out of the question!”

Ron shrugged and said, "I'll admit that Parkinson and the Ferret have gotten a head start. But a flash of titties and a snog are nothing. _We_ are going to take it all the way."

Harry blanched and stuttered, "W…w…we are?"

Ron answered him in a firm tone, "Yes. We are. I'll take care of Hagrid, and you'll deal with Snape."

Harry turned red. But before he could ask any more questions, Ron hurried off to visit a friend.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Ron found Hagrid out behind his hut on the fringe of the Forbidden Forest. He was chopping wood with the biggest axe Ron had ever seen. He made sure to make a lot of noise as he approached--and to wave his arms in the bargain--so that Hagrid wouldn’t accidentally chop _him_ to bits.

Even so, it was a close thing. Ron lay face down in the dirt, panting, while Hagrid pounded him on the back.

“So sorry, Ron! Didna see you there!”

Ron slowly raised himself up. He spat out some dirt and smiled weakly at Hagrid.

Hagrid hustled him into the hut and forced tea upon him. Ron drank a bit and wished he had just kept the dirt in his mouth. 

He swallowed it down with a gulp and began, “I wanted to talk to you man-to-man, Hagrid…”

“Of course, of course! I’m always happy to help a friend.”

Ron coughed and said, “Actually, Hagrid… I was more wanting to help you.”

Hagrid crinkled his brow until his eyes were almost obscured by his bushy eyebrows.

Before the half-giant could reply, Ron hurried on, “I was just thinking about how much you must miss Madame Maxime, and, well, seeing as we’re both blokes…”

Hagrid interrupted him, “Now Ron, I canna say I’m not flattered, but with you bein’ a student…”

Ron flushed, but he ignored Hagrid’s interruption and soldiered on, “…seeing as we’re both blokes, I wanted to share a trick with you. It’s something that Charlie told me about dragons…dragons and sex.”

Now Hagrid looked interested. 

Ron was feeling more comfortable now that Hagrid’s imagination was focused on dragons rather than on him. 

“The reserve where Charlie works is a bit remote, you see, and he doesn’t always have the time to seek out, y’know, companionship. So he told us that he has a special way of… supplementing.”

Hagrid said, “With dragons?” 

Ron hurried on, “Yes! I know it sounds daft, but hear me out. Y’see, when he rides some of the dragons it gets a bit bumpy. A bit vibrate-y, actually. And, well, the dragon doesn’t notice anything so it’s not really animal abuse or anything, but Charlie did say that it was quite… effective.”

Hagrid nodded sagely and said, “That’s all very interestin’, Ron. But what does it have to do w’me? They took Norbert away, you know. And I don’t think I’d feel comfortable behavin’ that way with a pet, anyway.”

Ron played his trump card.

“Not a dragon, no. But the Whomping Willow sure does get moving, doesn’t it?”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hermione cornered Ron that evening after Harry had wandered off somewhere in his invisibility cloak. At this point even Hermione no longer blinked an eye at Harry’s nighttime wanderings. 

“What do you think you are doing, Ronald Weasley? Talking Hagrid into abusing that poor plant?”

“’That poor plant!’ Have you gone round the twist, woman? That tree almost killed Harry and me second year. It’s a menace, that’s what it is.”

Hermione paused and then said, “Well, I suppose it _is_ just a plant. And Hagrid does deserve to have some fun, after unfairly being sent to Azkaban and all… But it was still very cheeky of you to suggest such a thing.”

Ron laughed and said, “You think _that’s_ bad—wait until you hear what I have planned for Harry!”

He whispered into her ear. She blushed, but—surprisingly—did not disagree. 

~*~*~*~*~*~

Harry was whinging again, “Ron! I don’t understand why I have to wear my Quidditch uniform to talk to Snape. And why all the protective gear? Is he going to set a Bludger on me?” Harry blanched and moaned, “Oh Merlin. He’s going to set a Bludger on me, isn’t he?”

Ron snickered and said, “Well, I wouldn’t exactly call it a Bludger, but the plan is that he will set something on you, all right.”

Harry had worried his lower lip until it was cherry red, Ron noted approvingly. When they reached the door to Snape’s quarters, Ron rubbed Harry’s hair to give it an even more tousled look.

“Hey!” Harry protested. “What are you doing?”

He reached up to fix his hair—as much as it could be fixed—and Ron swatted his hand away.

“Trust me, mate. You look perfect.”

Then he whispered into Harry’s ear.

“You want me to say _that_? Snape’ll hex me!”

Ron rapped sharply on Snape’s door and strode off, leaving Harry standing there in all his Quidditch glory. He slowed as he heard Harry give the proper response to Snape’s snarled inquiry as to just what he meant by pounding on peoples’ doors at the weekend.

He looked back just in time to see Harry being yanked into Snape’s quarters by the front of his scarlet and gold robes.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Harry didn’t make it to dinner. He didn’t join them for studying in the Gryffindor Common Room. Hermione didn’t ask any questions. In fact, she begged off early. Ron knew something was up. She had never, ever voluntarily stopped studying. He nipped up to the Boys’ Dormitory and got Harry’s invisibility cloak.

He came back down just in time to follow Hermione out through the portrait hole. It was quite late by anyone’s standards except for theirs. Harry was often out far later than this, Hermione would study all night unless she was forcibly stopped, and Ron never missed a chance to watch Hermione study. So the Common Room was empty as they each crept out.

When Hermione was in the hallway, she made the low whistling noise she used to call Crookshanks. He had evidently been hunting, for he had a mouse in his mouth when he appeared.

“Now, now, Crookshanks,” Hermione cooed. “I have other play plans for you tonight.”

Ron was incensed that Hermione didn’t bat an eye at Crookshanks’ obvious penchant for torture (the mouse was still alive), but _he_ was chastised for asking the House Elves to make his bed for him. He fumed under the cloak as he followed her further up the stairs of Gryffindor Tower. Just as she and Crookshanks came to a stop in front of a massive oak door, he realized where they were. 

The only thing up there were Professor McGonagell’s quarters. 

It briefly occurred to him that it was odd that he knew exactly where Snape’s quarters were, but he had never even given a moment’s thought to his own Head of House’s personal arrangements. Well, aside from intercepting her dirty magazines. But he didn’t have time to ponder the irony of this, because he was too shocked by what Hermione did next.

She made a series of intricate wand movements in front of the door, and it slid open a few inches. Ron was gobsmacked at the sight of Hermione so egregiously flouting the rules. Why, breaking into a Professor’s quarters was so taboo that he wondered if there was even a rule about it yet. Asking House Elves to have a look about was a completely different issue. Obviously.

His mouth was still hanging open when Hermione shooed Crookshanks into McGonagell’s quarters and quietly closed the door. He looked even more gormless when she whirled about and ripped the invisibility cloak off him.

“Are you attempting to catch Wrackspurts, Ronald? If not, please close your mouth. I am all too aware of what you had for dinner.”

“B…B…But…”

“You sound like Harry. Please pull yourself together. I didn’t do it for you. I did it for Professor McGonagell. She deserves a little… private time. So let’s leave them to it, shall we?”

Ron trailed obediently after her. He couldn’t believe she was so perverse. It was a revelation. 

He was working through various plans that took this new knowledge into account when Hermione said, “I did it for her, really I did. _But_ I also know what Pansy and Draco had planned for you and Harry if you lost. And there is no way that cow is getting her hands on what is mine.”

Then they reached an alcove, and Hermione pulled him into it after her. 

Ron was thrilled. His plans had never before worked out so brilliantly.


End file.
